And yet poop was all we could think about

We Lost Our Minds Trying To Understand Celebrities’ Oscar Night Pooping Secrets

canada goose parka outlet Outside, in the toilet that is Times Square, it was raining. We sat silently in the Rum House, dressed to the nines in floor length gowns, desperately sucking down rum punch. It was almost six o’clock. We looked canada goose outlet canada at each other with deranged smiles that communicated: How did we get here? But deep down, we both knew we had absolutely, entirely, without question brought this on ourselves. canada goose parka outlet

It started out as a joke. “Who has Oscars story ideas?” our editor asked. “What about poop?” we replied. But then we really started to think: Well, what about poop? When people talk about the Oscars, they never seem to talk about poop. Crash diets, yes; couture gowns, of course; bathroom lines, seen that; the actual awards,check but not poop. And yet poop was all we could think about.

You see, we’re both the special kind of people for whom anxiety manifests in the belly and out the butt. If we were to one day be image source nominated for an Academy Award, we predict the hours leading up to our category’s announcement would be spent swishing elegantly in and out of stalls. At the Oscars where we’d presumably be plucked, buffed, painted, poured into heavy duty Spanx this sounds like quite the hassle. Imagine: you’ve never smelled better, had smaller pores or looked more like Aphrodite rising from the ocean foam on a giant oyster shell, and all you can think about is answering that most animal of urges.

And sure, maybe celebrities can whisk discreetly to the Academy restroom and unloose their bowels. But for Hollywood’s most glamorous starlets, who often wear tight and complicated dresses canada goose outlet sale with voluminous skirts over architectural undergarments, even peeing can be an acrobatic task. Bryce Dallas Howard once “joked” on the red carpet that she wouldn’t be drinking any water during the ceremony so that she wouldn’t have to deal with her dress during a canada goose outlet reviews pee break. Haha, performing femininity requires denying your body things it needs to live!

canada goose outlet nyc The point is, pooping would be even more challenging:For one thing, while Spanx come with handy pee holes, they have no apertures for poop. With begrudging but clearly documented approval from our editors, we resolved to get to the bottom of this persistent mystery, by any means necessary. canada goose outlet nyc

canada goose outlet in montreal First, weeks before the awards,we emailed every famously outspoken star we could think of, with the hope they’d answer our brazen query: Do you take any preemptive measures to ensure you won’t poop at The Oscars?To our chagrin, most of the supposedly “down to earth”celebrities we emailed did not respond. Dame Helen Mirren, Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep and Chrissy Teigen never got back to us. canada goose outlet in montreal

canada goose outlet belgium If you’re already thinking to yourself, “I’m sure canada goose outlet new york city Helen would just hold it in,guys. The Oscars are just, like, three hours long.” yeah. At this point, plenty of our peers offered this banal theory. canada goose outlet belgium

canada goose outlet jackets Why? Because, as any lady mag will tell you, celebrities spend weeks honing their bodies for the red carpet. Famous nutritionists, trainers, hairstylists and makeup artists talk ad nauseum about how their star clients get injections, tone their upper arms, condition their hair, and, of course, eliminate bloat. canada goose outlet jackets

canada goose outlet niagara falls And what is “bloat” but anything extraneous in your body, like water, gas or, ahem,poop canada goose black friday sale that distends your abdomen? canada goose outlet niagara falls

We live in a canada goose outlet shop colonic and cleanse friendly culture in which even image conscious superstar Beyoncehas admitted to flushing out her system with The Master Cleanse a 10 day diet consisting only of homemade canada goose outlet uk lemonade meant to eliminate waste in the body before a big event (“Dreamgirls”). poop.

We just wanted some celebrity to talk candidly about how he or she attempts to empty their bowels on Oscars night, specifically to prevent a BM from interrupting their Big Moment.

Satisfied with our logic and no one else’s, we forged on. Maybe, we reasoned, Oscars bound celebrities were taking canada goose factory outlet some sort of laxative?

We asked five nutritionists if our theory sounded plausible and not one seemed quite convinced. Nutrifit founder Jackie Keller said she didn’t know anything about “this stupidity about celebrities taking laxatives” before awards shows. Herbalist Zoe Kissam of Traditional Medicinals (makers of the popular senna based tea Smooth Move) seemed disconcerted at the canada goose outlet black friday mere suggestion. “Unless you are occasionally constipated, this is not the tea I would recommend before an event,” she advised. “I would be concerned if someone on the red carpet said they drank Smooth Move.”

Kissam’s alarm piqued our interest: Clearly this laxative tea was powerful. Celebrity nutritionist Tracy Lockwood sort of confirmed our suspicions, saying marathon runners occasionally use the stuff to ensure canada goose outlet online uk they don’t have to go during the race. A celebrity nanny coordinator(who asked not to be identified so as not to be associated with an article about poop) even called the potent beverage “the biggest taboo in Hollywood.”

There are real risks to Smooth Move, Kissam warned us. Apparently, because senna stimulates colon contractions,too frequent consumption of the herb can make you dependent on it to stay regular. Had we made a breakthrough?

canada goose outlet houston After three weeks (!) of investigating,having gained no clarity from the bizarro rituals canada goose outlet of celebrity cleansing, we feared we were no closer to our original goal:the truth about stars’ Oscar night pooping secrets. With celebrity sources (including Jennifer Lawrence) consistently failing to come canada goose outlet store through (except that nanny coordinator, she’s a hero), we turned to that deepest well of truth, the internet. We pored through “Get Her Red Carpet Body” photo spreads online and trawled Reddit,where tireless moderators repeatedly deleted our celebrity poop questions in forums like r/StupidQuestions and r/NoStupidQuestions. We covered blackboards with our findings, leaving messages like “Flat Earthers?”, “Reddit Conspiracy?”, “LAXATIVE TEAS!” and “Is celebrity poop really just a light drizzle?” in conference rooms throughout our office building. canada goose outlet houston

canada goose jacket outlet Things weren’t going as planned. We could have given up, we could have abandoned the project, we could have admitted that Oscars pooping isn’t the critical issue of our time [editor’s note: change to “should have”]. Nevertheless, we persisted. We decided to put our bodies on the line. canada goose jacket outlet

canada goose outlet shop Without consulting our editors or, really, any adults, we devised a plan. We planned to use this opportunity to corner celebrities on the carpet and ask them if they shared our crippling concern about awards ceremony pooping and whether they’d taken any preemptive action to avoid sullying the Edison Theater bathrooms. canada goose outlet shop

canada goose uk One week before the big day, we adjusted our diets and bathroom regimens to best mimic what we’d gleaned about those of image conscious celebrities prior to a big awards show. Both of us based our diets on the recommendations of “nutritionist to the stars” Oz Garcia, with slight adjustments: Claire subsisted on a clean diet of lean protein and leafy greens while drinking dandelion tea at night, much like Academy Award winning superstar Jennifer Lawrence. Priscilla opted for a healthy vegetarian diet without dairy or processed grains. She goose outlet canada also dosed herself with Smooth Move tea on Tuesday evening, hoping this would give her ample time to recover while still remaining an empty vessel, bowel wise. canada goose uk

canada goose shop uk We tried to go further, in the name of truth, by getting all the excrement flushed out of us by a hose wielding professional. “We do get a lot of celebrities and models that get colonics prior to canada goose outlet jackets an event, runway and photoshoot,” Manhattan colonic purveyor Fluid Water Therapy told HuffPost. In theory, this is to cut down on bloat but again, bloat and poop essentially cover the same territory. Our editors, unconvinced by this airtight logic, rejected our expense requests to put the luxury poop removal treatment to the test. canada goose shop uk

When the Sunday of the WGAE Awards arrived, we were hollowed out and hungry. We both noticed the teas had moved things along, but the funny thing was, our bodies didn’t ever seem to reach the end, as it were. official canada goose outlet (Apparently digestion is a continuous process that is an essential part of being alive!)

canada goose outlet uk sale We met in the thick of Times Square that night, dressed, like any self respecting journalist covering the red carpet, in revealing gowns that showed off our new poop free bodies. Or. canada goose outlet toronto to put this delicately. less than poop free. Not an hour before the red carpet began, one of us had to hustle to the bathroom for a last minute bowel movement, gown and all. No, it doesn’t matter which one. canada goose outlet uk sale

canada goose outlet reviews Fortified by rum punch and nihilistic recklessness, we arrived at the WGAE Awards and positioned ourselves amongst the other, significantly more casually dressed journalists on the red carpet. As the celebs filed by, we asked one after the other whether they were concerned about pooping during the awards show and how they prepared for the possibility. “Are you worried about pooping tonight? Have you done anything so that, you know, you definitely won’t?” we asked attendees. canada goose outlet reviews

canada goose factory outlet vancouver “That’s literally all you’re asking?” queried one mildly concerned publicist. canada goose factory outlet vancouver

canada goose outlet new york city We occasionally interspersed our probing questions with compliments and apologies to loosen up our subjects. “You look beautiful tonight, and we’re so sorry,” we told the finest comedians and actors working in New York City. “Are you worried about pooping tonight?” canada goose outlet new york city.

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