The poor, blind, crippled bastard lands on some piece of metal

The Steven Seagal Movie Title Flowchart

canada goose outlet england That never happens. You know what Chuck Norris’ first movie role was? An uncredited part in a Dean Martin picture. Jean Claude Van Damme’s film debut? Credited as “Gay Karate Man” in something called Monaco Forever. canada goose outlet england

canada goose vest outlet So, if being internationally famous for playing unstoppable badasses for a living is usually enough to turn a man into an egotistical douche of the highest order, try to imagine what happens to a canada goose outlet shop guy’s ego when he gets all that fame and fortune canada goose outlet online right canada goose outlet jackets away, without having to go through the humbling process of bit parts and villain roles. Comparing the old plot synopsis on the Voltage Pictures website to the the new plot synopsis on Waxman’s site should help you understand what canada goose outlet reviews goes into the writing process on one of these direct to canada goose jacket outlet DVD projects. Having seen the film, we can tell you that they really shouldn’t have bothered. TRAILER canada goose vest outlet

canada goose parka outlet uk Born to Raise Hell And there’s no way in hell that’s going to be the title on the DVD cover. Seagal liked making On the Run so much that he jumped straight into another Keoni Waxman project, playing another ex convict, but then the producers replaced Waxman with the fight coordinator from Beverly Hills Chihuahua. canada goose parka outlet uk

canada goose outlet canada On Twitter, Seagal (or his assistant or somebody) said that he’s halfway through a canada goose outlet black friday new album (as yet untitled) with producer Willie Mitchell. canada goose outlet canada

canada goose outlet vip “;}i:2;a:2:{s:5:”title”;s:8:”Politics”;s:4:”text”;s:3909:”Action films in canada goose outlet store general have a reputation for dipping into the realm of right wing propaganda now and then, so Seagal’s movies (often influenced by his left leaning personal beliefs) can seem refreshingly different, or they can seem just plain bizarre, depending on how you look at them. canada goose outlet vip

canada goose outlet montreal From the start, with his screen debut in Andrew Davis’ Above the Law, Seagal has been adding his own stamp to these films. Above the Law is basically a loose remake of Davis’ Chuck Norris vehicle Code of Silence. Both movies feature martial arts experts playing rebellious Chicago cops who fight corruption, and they even have a lot of the same actors, but while the Norris film is content to take on police corruption, Seagal’s movie tackles America’s role in the Vietnam War, CIA involvement in drug smuggling, the plight of Nicaraguan refugees, and (in a roundabout way) the Iran Contra scandal. canada goose outlet montreal

Seagal’s third film, Dwight Little’s Marked for Death, starts off with a prologue about the futility of the War on Drugs and corruption in the DEA. Then, these themes are never mentioned again for the remainder of the film.

Seagal’s politics never really took over a film altogether until his directorial debut, On Deadly Ground. (on Cracked: 5 Kick Ass Action Movies That Are Pure Propaganda) Seagal stars as a sort of an expert firefighter who works for a major oil company and specializes in putting out oil well fires. If this seems like an odd thing for an action hero to specialize in, keep in mind that the most effective way to extinguish an oil well fire is to blow it the fuck up. With dynamite. By the end of the film, Seagal has dropped the oil company’s CEO into a pool of crude oil and blown up an entire oil refinery around him. Then, Seagal spends three and a half minutes talking about global warming and alternative energy sources. It’s fucking awesome.

Flix Enrquez Alcal’s Fire Down Below is the only other Seagal film to tackle environmental issues, and the environmental threat here is just some sort of generic toxic waste. You can tell that it’s poisonous because it’s green. Amazingly, Seagal plays an undercover EPA agent. (on Cracked: The 6 Least Plausible Jobs Held by Steven Seagal Characters) He carries a gun. He arrests people. Apparently, nobody involved in the production had the slightest clue what the EPA actually does.

canada goose outlet germany In Seagal’s first direct to video feature, Dean Semler’s The Patriot (not to be confused with the Mel Gibson Revolutionary War picture), Seagal faces off against a right wing militia group that releases a deadly virus in a small midwestern town to make a point about, well, probably something kind of stupid. canada goose outlet germany

canada goose outlet authentic For the most part, Seagal’s post Patriot output is kind of short on political messages, aside from the sort of CIA villains and corrupt cops that pop up in about half of all the action movies that have been made since the eighties. One notable exception, though, is Ching Siu Tung’s Belly of the Beast, an indictment of Thailand’s military. For a little context, the Royal Thai Army was recently in the news for overthrowing the administration of Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, and they’ve been making veiled threats about possibly overthrowing the new government as well. Belly of the Beast is also notable for including see this site a scene where Seagal beats a transvestite to death.”;}i:4;a:2:{s:5:”title”;s:10:”Best Kills”;s:4:”text”;s:5170:”Since one of the plot threads in Bruce Malmuth’s Hard to Kill involves Seagal avenging his wife’s murder, he has to run into her killer sooner or later. Fortunately, Seagal just happens to be holding a broken pool cue when this meeting takes place. Feeling somewhat angry, Seagal jabs the splintered cue into the man’s chest by way of his fucking neck and explains, “That’s for my wife. Fuck you and die.” Then, he kicks the dude in the face. canada goose outlet authentic

When the time comes to take down Marked for Death’s funny named Jamaican drug lord, Screwface (Basil Wallace), Seagal does not fuck around. No, first, he CHOPS HIM IN THE DICK WITH A FUCKING SWORD, then he cuts his head off, and then he shows the severed head to all of Screwface’s buddies so they know for sure that he’s seriously fucking dead. This does not do the trick. See, Screwface has an identical twin brother he never told anyone about, so Seagal has to kill him all over again. (on Cracked: 10 Scenes of Brutal Violence Guaranteed to Make You Laugh) Obviously annoyed by this point, Seagal takes out Screwface’s eyes, throws him through a wall, breaks his back, and throws the now paralysed man down an elevator shaft. The poor, blind, crippled bastard lands on some piece of metal down there and gratefully accepts the warm embrace of death as he is fucking impaled.

canada goose kensington parka uk When Seagal goes Out for Justice in the John Flynn film of the same name, that means he’s ready for all kinds of wonderfully horrific violence, including pinning one dude’s hand to a wall with a meat cleaver and messily blowing off another dude’s leg with a shotgun. So, when crazy crackhead villain Richie Madano (William Forsythe) tries to attack Seagal with a corkscrew, you know you’re in for something special. And you’re right. That corkscrew goes right into Richie’s fucking skull like he was a bottle of cheap wine. (on Cracked: The 5 Biggest Mismatches in Movie Fight History) canada goose kensington parka uk

canada goose outlet mississauga When you think of the ultimate martial arts pairings in film, Steven Seagal vs. Tommy Lee Jones probably isn’t the first one that comes to mind. To be fair, though, Jones’ crazed ex CIA character in Andrew Davis’ Under Siege puts up more of a fight than most Seagal villains. Actually, their little knife fight is pretty cool, and it gets even cooler when Seagal buries his knife in the top of Jones’ head and then shoves that same head through a computer monitor, you know, just to add insult to death. canada goose outlet mississauga

canada goose outlet winnipeg In On Deadly Ground, the most outrageous death is reserved for some nameless guard, but whoever that guy is, he will forever be immortalized as the dude who gets stabbed in the eye with a hunting knife and then has his face shoved into a wall so hard that the blade comes out the back of his goddamn head. canada goose outlet winnipeg

canada goose outlet london It’s not surprising for an action movie villain to fall off of something and then land on something else that ends up impaling him. In fact, it’s sort of a genre clich. However, Donald (John M. Jackson) the copycat serial killer/hitman (he killed Seagal’s ex wife and then crucified the corpse) in John Gray’s The Glimmer Man goes the extra mile by picking a particularly interesting way of being impaled. After a short fight, Seagal apparently gets bored and just casually shoves this guy through a window. Donald then lands on the spikes of a wrought iron fence, one spike under his chin and one through each of his wrists, in what may be cinema’s first accidental crucifixion. canada goose outlet london

In the big samurai swordfight climax of Into the Sun (directed by a man who calls himself mink), Seagal just happens to spot the cowboy hat wearing yakuza who killed his fiance. In Japanese, Seagal says to the dude, “I shall beat you to death.” And then he does. Specifically, he hits that dude in the head with his sword until the dude fucking dies.

canada goose outlet website legit Michael Keusch’s Shadow Man might not be one of Seagal’s better known, better liked, or better made movies, but it does bear the distinction of being the only movie where he hits a dude in the chest so hard that blood leaks out the dude’s back. See, in this movie, Seagal plays a master of something called dim mak, and he demonstrates this technique early in the film by hitting a watermellon in such a way as to make it explode from the inside out. Then, closer to the end of the film, he uses the same technique on one of the movie’s villains. Needless to say, it kills the living shit out of that guy. canada goose outlet website legit

Seagal’s big showdown with the Russian gangster villain of Jeff King’s Driven to Kill ends with Seagal sticking a gun into the dude’s eye (seriously, he gets about two inches of the barrel in his eye socket) and then pulling the trigger.

canada goose outlet ontario “;}i:5;a:2:{s:5:”title”;s:13:”Stunt Doubles”;s:4:”text”;s:2082:”In any action film, a few sequences are going to be canada goose outlet parka a little too dangerous for the actual stars of the movie to get involved, and somebody’s going to have to call in the stunt doubles, but modern direct to goose outlet canada DVD action films have taken canada goose outlet online uk this practice and expanded it to canada goose outlet toronto factory bizarre extremes. Nowhere is this more evident than in the recent work of Steven Seagal. canada goose outlet ontario

canada goose outlet boston Now, obviously, if canada goose factory outlet somebody is renting a Seagal movie, they’re probably looking to see him use his famous Aikido skills, maybe throw somebody through a window or something. You know what they’re probably not expecting? High flying kung canada goose outlet in usa fu spin kicks. But, in 2003’s political kung fu thriller Belly of the Beast (and what kind of big, beautiful balls does it take to name your fat action hero movie Belly of the Beast?), legendary Hong canada goose outlet store Kong director Ching Siu Tung decided that there was no fucking way he was going to make a martial arts picture without the star jumping up and kicking somebody in the face. Obviously, a stunt canada goose outlet canada double was required. For some reason, that stunt double was considerably thinner than Steven canada goose outlet Seagal canada goose outlet boston.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.